Folks,
Whiskey and I are sitting in Hamburg, PA at a Pizza Hut where we finally found a place that understands the term WiFi. We’ve been taking notes so far about the road trip and here’s the first mass update:
***DAY 1***
5:20am: “Woke up”
5:29am: Actually woke up
6:12am: Wine breaks the air mattress. We abandon it.
6:30am: After a quick photo shoot, we depart Hilliard in search of coffee
6:32am: Start the trip by playing Stuck Between Stations by the incomparable Hold Steady. Begin to argue whether or not bass drum comes in on the off-beat or not. Also, try to determine whether or not it was intentional. We agree to disagree.
6:51am: Stopped by Wine’s work, Stauf’s, and “Clovered” two cups of Kenya Lenana Vienna Roast. Wine is far too happy about this experience and kind of freaked out his fellow co-workers who were still attempting to be human. The cup held a medium body and acidity with slight citrus and wine notes. The slightly darker roast compliments the natural flavors with a slight smokey flavor. Rating: 8/10
7:10am: Craig Finn sings “2 cups of coffee, 10 packs of sugar…” Whiskey and I silently nod and toast our drinks in unison.
8:13am: Whiskey in front seat covered in a pink blanket. He doesn’t give a fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck.
8:55am: Enter West Virginia. Wine contemplates how it is either wild or wonderful. Whiskey sleeps.
9:00am: Wine is excited by the 70mph speed limit but humbled by the limitations of the modern 4 cylinder engine on a steep incline.
9:07am: Enter Pennsylvania.
9:10-9:40am: Wine is stricken with terror by the seemingly impossible amount of water flying off all of the semi trucks on this tiny tiny highway. Whiskey continues to sleep.
10:11am: We begin to lose the faith and wonder if the idea of a “live blog” is worth it.
10:12am: Reaffirmed commitment to “live blog” due to serendipitous text from little Sarah stating her excitement for such a venture.
10:26am: Whiskey and Wine both begin sampling various flavors of vegan “beef” jerky. Tried Hickory Smoked flavor. There was an obvious sweetness that gave way to a strong garlic undertone. Very peppery, there was a lingering spice that remained long after the jerky was consumed. Wine: “This is very slim-jim-esque.” Whiskey: “Snap into vegan jerky…..oohhhhh yeahhhhhh.” Rating: 8.5/10.
10:36am: Pulled into a truck stop. Refueled both gasoline and caffeine.
10:57am: We were both “blown away” by Pennsylvania…literally.
11:02am: Whiskey emphatically exclaims, with much gusto, “Suck it monkeys, I’m going corporate!”
11:37am: Whiskey finishes J.D. Salinger’s “Franny and Zooey.” Shortly after, begins reading “Snuff” by Chuck Palahniuk.
11:48am: Sampled the Mesquite-Lime vegan jerky flavor. VERY “citrusey,” obvious lime notes. Mild spice. Underlying taste of peanuts gives it an almost Thai flavor. A tad salty, Wine’s sensitive tongue was dried out. Good, but not great. An acquired taste. 6.5-7/10.
1.34pm: NEVER visit Frystown, PA.
1:35 pm: According to the Menonite Church, we WILL meet God.
1:52 pm: Stopping in Hamburg, PA. Lunch at a Pizza Hut, literally 2 minutes before the all-you-can-eat lunch buffet for $5.99 ends. We lucked out. Other dining options at this exit: Long John Silvers, Taco Bell, McDonalds, Wendys, Burger King, a gas station, a jewelry store, and massive hunting/outdoors superstore. We are literally in the middle of the mountains.
3:02pm: Depart Pizza Hut and change drivers. Wine copies Whiskey’s comfy setup and is confused over use of 3/8’s in quantifying the distance to an exit as opposed to more even fractions.
3:03pm: Second argument ensues. The topic: whose penmanship is the most underdeveloped. The fight ends in a draw.
3:05pm: A billboard begs the question, “Where is the birth certificate?”. We are left speechless for once.
3:09pm: Wine abandons comfy sleeper setup in favor of a more contorted position for his gangly legs.
3:39pm: We learn outside of Allentown that one’s shoes aren’t to be worn on their feet but rather tied by their laces to their camper door going 70 mph.
3:49pm: “They don’t fuck around in Jersey.” -whiskey
4:05pm: Very nervous about our first full service gas station experience. Search frantically in Wine’s iPod for Bruce Springsteen. Must assimilate to local culture.
4:08pm: Whiskey yells “Jersey is scary” after almost killing us twice. Whiskey whines to wine about needing whiskey to wind down.
4:15pm: Final vegan jerky sampling. Texas BBQ: Texturally more fibrous than the others. Strong vinegar aroma amid wafting. Heavy maple syrup and honey notes. Not spicy and more subtle, un-Texas like, flavors. A slight reminiscence of ribs. Rating 7.5/10
4:30pm: Wine notices a hospital named after him. Descends into a delusional state for awhile.
5:37pm: Our suite-mate, the “token community psych professor” from UNC is tuning a guitar. Strange.
6:50pm: Became extremely lost after horrible directions from campus staff. Wine decides to go with it and rambles into the equivalent of Heaven for a yuppie. Upon noticing an Urban Outfitters, Wine says, “Daddy’s home”
7:23pm: At dinner at Leone’s, a tiny Italian pizza/pasta place in said yuppie mecca. Had pictures of Bobby Flay and Wolfgang Puck on the wall so it must be good right? It smelled of rich cherry wood and the pizza was surprisingly fresh.
9:39pm: Escape to Barnes and Noble to use the internet since apparently having WiFi is not possible on this campus. Wine becomes far too excited about the “running of the bulls” style of traffic we have to duck in and out of.
9:50pm: After Whiskey orders some Orange tea from said B&N cafe, he is told they serve no such thing. Whiskey then finds the cans of orange tea right by said nay-sayer’s left hand. He instead orders green tea.
9:56pm: Whiskey tells Wine that “hindsight is 20/20, bitch.”
10:37pm: We call it a day, put the jokes aside, and prepare to further our careers tomorrow afternoon…no pressure or anything.
Needless to say we’ve been laughing all day about this and since we think its a great success you will all probably be subjected to more of these, certainly over the next few days.
‘Til next time,
Whiskey and Wine
